Well, This has Been Eye-Opening

I am always an optimist. I truly believe in the good in everybody. Unfortunately, online dating is shaking my very belief system to its core. There are oh so many jerks out there.

Let me ask you this. Why would you give someone your phone number if you don’t want to hear from them? That’s right…The Chef. We did manage to reconnect. But that lasted for 12 hours. I haven’t heard from him since.

Anyway, I have decided to change direction. Because honestly, this whole experience is doing my head in. My anxiety and depression are through the roof, while my self-esteem is in the shitter. So, I’m now just going to focus on making friends and expanding my social circle. Which here in Kingston, is nobody. Even one friend would be nice.

I have joined Meetup and am now a member of a couple of groups there. I’m meeting up with several people this Wednesday to go for a walk downtown and end up at a pub for a beer. Or a soda. Or whatever I decide I’m drinking that night. I’m also looking at the Kingston Spring and Summer Recreation Guide. There are a few things that look interesting, but because of my sister’s schedule (which impacts my schedule), I’m not sure I can commit to a multi-week class. At least with the Meetup things, I can RSVP up until the day of, so I can wait and see what my day looks like.

I am keeping my profile up on POF, but I’m going to try not taking it so seriously. Because I am SO much better than most of the crap on there.

I must be a squirrel

My latest online dating experience

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Continuing the Search (or Another Week of Online Dating)

Are you ready for the latest tales as I navigate the online dating world? I swear, I can’t make this stuff up.

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Yup. Pretty much. 

My First Unsolicited Dick Pic in over 10 Years

I was chatting with a guy one evening last week and it was going ok. We were making tentative plans to meet up on the weekend. The next morning, he messages me, “Do you want to see something hot?”

Oh dear. I can see where this is going. And it ain’t going to be pretty. I reply, “It had better be a picture of a hot cup of coffee.”

“Well,” he says, “I am in bed right now.”

“No thanks, I’m not interested.”

The conversation continues normally for five minutes or so. And then it arrives. The unsolicited dick pic. Now, as far as penises go, it was a decent looking one. But I certainly don’t appreciate getting an out-of-the-blue eyeful of some stranger’s genitalia. At least take me out for dinner a few times. I asked him WTF he was thinking and promptly blocked him.

When Technology Hates You

This next tale is one that I hope isn’t over yet. The same day I chatted with Dick Pic, I got a very pleasant message from someone else: “I love your hair.”

Now, as far as messages go, it’s not the greatest line, but it was enough to get me to look at his profile. OK, so it was great. Because it worked. Anyway, I discovered that this guy is a Red Seal certified Chef. And he loves to travel. And he loves the outdoors. And, and, and. We got chatting back and forth and over the next couple of days we had those kinds of conversations that are just comfortable. How we spend our lazy days, his cat, our crazy sleep patterns. On Friday we started making plans to meet up on Sunday. The weather was supposed to be beautiful and we planned on grabbing a coffee or tea and then walking along Lake Ontario.

But, it was not meant to be, apparently. Because he seemed to stop receiving my messages. And no, I don’t appear to be blocked, because from my end they are sending. And I have the full message history. I was pretty bummed about it Friday night and all day Saturday. I woke up Sunday morning to this message from him:

“Hey… sorry about my absence. My POF is screwing up and my messages aren’t getting sent and I’m receiving bits and pieces. Now, I copy what I write and just keep pasting it until it sends.”

Now maybe I’m deluding myself that he’s still (or ever was) interested, but I’m inclined to think there is definitely some interest. And I’d like to hope that he wouldn’t have bothered to try and explain what was going on if he’d decided to just disappear. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard from him since. And I’m trying not to turn into crazy stalker lady. But I really hope that we’re able to reconnect and meet at some point.

Trying Other Dating Sites

As per the suggestions of some friends, I also created accounts on okCupid and Match.com. Unfortunately, it’s pretty much the same group of guys. And I am very limited in what I can do without a paid subscription. At least on POF, I can message people for free.

So that’s where things stand in my dating life. I think I hear crickets chirping. Stay tuned to find out if anything happens over the next week.

 

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The Scary World of Online Dating

Online dating is NOT for the faint of heart. Five days in and I’m already thinking I was insane for trying this route again. Allow me to share some of the gems.

  1. I have been asked 8 times already for pictures of my breasts.
  2. One guy has informed me that he has fantasies about having sex with sisters, where one sister watches.
  3. One guy asked if he could watch me pee.

But here’s the winner so far. Today I was offered $200 to give a guy a blow job. And this class act put in his profile that he’s looking for a relationship. I blocked his sorry, pathetic profile.

Monday’s date was a bust. And I really should have clued into the fact that he didn’t even take his jacket off, or offer to get me a coffee. We sat on an uncomfortable bench in the bookstore and talked for an hour. At least he drove me home. Which was nice, because it was raining.

I honestly remember this being more fun when I was younger. In university, it was a blast. As a poor student, it was a great way to get out. It became a game: how many cups of coffee could I get in a week. But now, as I see 40 storming over the horizon, this isn’t fun. funny-dating-memes

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Putting Myself Out There

So I like to do stupid things. Or at least things that result in me looking foolish. You be the judge.

This past Thursday I approached the guy I have a crush on. And I asked him out. Even though I was 99.99% sure he was married. Even though I was 99.99% sure what the end result would be. But I decided to go ahead and do it for a few reasons.

  1. I needed to know for sure if he was married.
  2. I wanted to find out if I was imagining the spark that I thought was there.
  3. I wanted to know if I had the balls to ask a guy out.

Well, let’s just say that I learned a lot Thursday morning. He was an absolute gentleman about the whole thing and he is very much the type of man I thought he was. One with integrity. He did tell me that if he wasn’t married, he’d say yes, but that he couldn’t in good conscious go out with another woman. And I knew that there was no way I’d date a married man.

However, the experience made me realize that I am tired of being alone. So, that night, I rejoined a dating site (since meeting people in person is so hard). And while most of the guys messaging me are clearly looking for only ONE THING, there is one guy who is not. We have a date Monday.

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Me, prior to embarrassing myself

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I feel like I’m in High School again

Want to know something funny? Well, I think it’s funny. Ok – so it’s not HILARIOUS funny, but it is rather amusing.

I have a MAJOR crush on someone. That’s right….I’m almost 40 and I have a crush. I’m talking a crush like I had in high school. The kind where all I want to do is find ways to talk to this person. The kind where if I DO have to talk to him, my hands get all sweaty and my heart goes all fluttery.

Now here’s the sad part: I’m 99.99% sure he’s married. Of course he is. FML. If I was less sure of that, I’d totally ask him out for coffee.

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Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018

As I sit here, watching Steve Harvey in New York and wait to ring in 2018, I can’t help but look back on the last year. 2017 was a real roller coaster for me. It started on such a low, with severe anxiety and panic attacks. Honestly, I never expected to be where I am now. But here I am, in Kingston, surrounded by family, and feeling like my life has a purpose.

Now of course, no NYE post would be complete without a list of goals I want to accomplish in the next year. Without further ado, here they are:

  1. Get back to a more regular blogging schedule. So to that end, every week I will make two posts: a recipe and something else (it might be about a sewing or knitting project, or a reflective piece, or a rant). Stay tuned for the fun!
  2. Since I have joined a gym again, I want to make my health a priority. For me, I’ve learned that focusing on my weight is not good – I end up obsessing about food. So, I’m going to focus on my fitness level. My goal is 4 days/week at the gym – 2 cardio and 2 strength training.
  3. Another fitness goal I have is to officially get back to my running. This means registering for an official race. So I am going to do 3: the Beat Beethoven 4k in June, the Army Run 5k in September, and the Resolution Run in December.
  4. I want to get myself into a more stable financial situation. Two years ago I posted about a vague goal that would start me on a path of better finances. And I did it. I put on my big girl panties and declared bankruptcy. I’m not going to lie, I felt like a bit of a failure doing it. But, now that it is done, I feel such a weight lifted off me. I have no debt and with my current situation, it’s a perfect time to buckle down and start saving again. So, my goal for 2018, is to save AT LEAST $2400.

There. Those are my goals for the next year. None of them are huge, and none are unmanageable. But if I can accomplish them, then I’ll be even better off than I am right now. And that’s never a bad thing.

I did it. You did it. We survived 2017. I wish everyone the best for 2018.

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An Introspective Update

3 months since my last post. 3 months ago I was in the midst of a big change. Taking a huge leap of faith and hoping it would result in my being much happier.

Here I am, a little over a week until Christmas, and I am flabbergasted by the changes I see in myself. It amuses me no end that this move wasn’t on my radar until the end of August, and when presented with it, I JUMPED at the chance. I’m so glad I did.

I am actually looking forward to Christmas this year. And it’s because I’m not lonely, or bored, or sick of my own company. Every day I am surrounded by the laughter of my youngest nephews. The relationship between my youngest sister and I has improved by leaps and bounds. And I am so grateful for it.

Now that I’m feeling a bit more settled, I hope to get back to regular blogging. My sister and her boyfriend love to eat good food, so I’ve been having a lot of fun cooking. Which means that I’ll be posting recipes again. I’ve been playing the piano more often, so maybe I’ll pull my flute out of the closet too. I’ve been exercising, and as a “Christmas Bonus”, my sister got me a membership to Planet Fitness. I even slogged through a snowstorm last night to go to the gym. Who is this person?!

I have learned a lot about myself this past year. I am stronger than I think. I am braver than I think. And it’s ok to ask for help, because people are willing to help me. Oh, and I’ve learned that I need to stay on my meds. As awful as 2017 started for me, it’s definitely ending on an upswing. And I’m really looking forward to 2018.

 

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A gift from my sister, for the family Christmas Tree

 

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