I am so tired of feeling invisible. I am so tired of being told, “just get over it”. I am so tired of feeling like I’m not important enough to warrant help.
I saw my doctor last week and he made a very interesting comment. He said that he felt my anxiety was moving towards agoraphobic tendencies. If anyone was to come to my apartment, I can guarantee they’d have no idea anything was wrong. I cook, I clean, I take care of myself. But at the mere thought of having to go out, I become a sobbing, nauseous mess. Last Wednesday I wanted to go to the grocery store because they had chicken breasts on sale. And it took me 5 hours to feel sufficiently calm enough to go out. In those 5 hours, I threw up twice, and almost fainted.
I am afraid to leave my apartment. I am afraid that people will stare at me. I am afraid that they will know that I’m on the edge of an anxiety attack every time I go out. And since I’ve been made to feel invisible for the past year, I figure it’s easier to just stay in my apartment and BE invisible. It’s not like anyone would notice anyway.
(And yes, I am working on getting help for this. I have an appointment with a social worker through the county’s mental health services unit. She will help me come up with a plan, and get other services and resources lined up for me).