Struggling on and hoping I’ll manage

Easter weekend and I’m spending it alone. I’m trying to tell myself I’m ok with it. But the truth is, I’m not. Easter used to be a lovely holiday with my family. But after my last few posts, I got some passive aggressive comments from a family member that only served to dismiss me and my feelings. And I’m reminded that I have nobody. Which is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Why am I not allowed to feel  the way I do? Why are my feelings worth so much less than yours? I realize I’m not the only person suffering through various things, but that doesn’t make my suffering any less. Because to me, it is huge. And it has taken over my life to the point that I no longer feel like I can function in society.

Last week, my doctor deemed me medically unable to work. And so I have started the process of applying for provincial social assistance and disability. And I’m scared. I’m afraid of what that means. I’m afraid that I won’t get better. I’m afraid that this is what the rest of my life will be like, stuck, alone, trapped in these feelings of fear and failure and hopelessness.

But don’t worry, I won’t reach out to you. I won’t ask for help. Because I’d hate to inconvenience you in any way.

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11 Responses to Struggling on and hoping I’ll manage

  1. I can relate to much of what you say. In the last few years I have gone through a major shift in thinking and world view. It has been very liberating for me, although not easy to be sure. But for many people that I know it has left them very confused that I am no longer the person they knew. I no longer fit into the category to which I had been assigned. I had to be able to find a new tribe, this wasn’t easy and is ongoing. But at least now the people I connect with know ME and not the role I am expected to fill.

    I’m glad you are getting help. I believe you will see the kind of changes you long for. With love and support,
    Jamye

    Like

    • I will confess, looking back I think all of this probably started brewing when I got back to Canada. Living in Barbados for those 5.5 months was truly liberating. I was living my life the way I was supposed to, not by someone else’s ideas of “supposed to.” And after my Grandma died (who really was my everything and the reason I came back to Canada), I’ve been struggling so much. When she got sick, I started telling people that when Grandma died, I was probably going to crack a bit. I don’t think anyone believed me. All I heard was, “nah, you’re strong and you’ll be fine.” And I tried really hard to be fine. But every day that passed, I was breaking apart a little bit more.

      Trying to build a new tribe is hard, and living in a small town makes it even harder. As silly as it sounds, I’m glad I have the internet, because I can at least talk to a couple of friends who live in different cities and countries.

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      • Finding a new tribe IS very hard. But one of the things I’ve been learning in my journey of liberation is that I can no longer go back to what I was before and it does more harm than good to try. I’ve also learned to let myself feel the feelings I’m facing instead of trying NOT to feel them. Somehow having the permission to feel as angry or as sad as I need to makes it easier to process, and at times, causes the healing to move a wee bit faster. I agreed the Internet can be an amazing thing when our IRL world is too small

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Miriam says:

    Wish we lived closer. Thinking of you Kathleen.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mrsgmh says:

    I’ve been thinking about what you might like to help you. There is an app called “the meaning of life experiment”. The website is http://themeaningoflife.tv/
    It’s free and if you don’t want to use the app, you can make a free account online. Just click the pink “register” at the very top of the page. There are basically three parts to every day. A 10 or 20 minute meditation, a half hour or so documentary (the most important part in my opinion) and some questions so you can journal your answers – I don’t use this bit. The documentary, or film, as they call it, is absolutely brilliant. It’s very high quality and very beautiful. I’m surprised it’s free. I hope you like it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am sorry that you are made to feel like that .. you should definitely be receiving the support from the people that surround you. I can relate to what you are saying as I have also been through the same kind of thing. I hope you start to feel better soon. I am following your blog as I feel i can relate to your posts.

    Liked by 2 people

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