Easter weekend and I’m spending it alone. I’m trying to tell myself I’m ok with it. But the truth is, I’m not. Easter used to be a lovely holiday with my family. But after my last few posts, I got some passive aggressive comments from a family member that only served to dismiss me and my feelings. And I’m reminded that I have nobody. Which is one of the worst feelings in the world.
Why am I not allowed to feel the way I do? Why are my feelings worth so much less than yours? I realize I’m not the only person suffering through various things, but that doesn’t make my suffering any less. Because to me, it is huge. And it has taken over my life to the point that I no longer feel like I can function in society.
Last week, my doctor deemed me medically unable to work. And so I have started the process of applying for provincial social assistance and disability. And I’m scared. I’m afraid of what that means. I’m afraid that I won’t get better. I’m afraid that this is what the rest of my life will be like, stuck, alone, trapped in these feelings of fear and failure and hopelessness.
But don’t worry, I won’t reach out to you. I won’t ask for help. Because I’d hate to inconvenience you in any way.