Soul-Crushing Exhaustion

I know I have alluded to it before, in my post Wrestling the Black Beast of Depression and Anxiety, but the exhaustion and fatigue I experience can be just as crippling as the mental anguish.

Today was not a very good day. After yesterday’s successes of getting social assistance lined up, I had hoped that today would be good. However, I have spent most of the day in bed, simply because I was so soul-crushing, bone-deep, exhausted. I’m not talking the kind of tired that a nap will help. I am talking the kind of exhaustion that takes all of your energy just to get up and go to the bathroom. So fatigued that making breakfast for myself meant I had to eat and then sleep for 2 hours. Have you ever been THAT tired?

Tonight, at 7pm, I crawled back into bed. Because simply holding my head up was more than I could handle. How sad is that? What’s even sadder is that I just lay there and cried. I cried because as much as I miss Grandma, I’m glad she’s not around to see me like this. And then I cried because I miss her. I cried because I feel like a nobody. A big, fat, nobody.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want nothing more than to wake up one morning and find that my energy levels are back to normal. That I am my usual perky, optimistic self. That I can function like a normal human being, and have a job and leave the apartment.

But until that day arrives, I have to remember to be kind to myself.  To tell myself it’s ok to have good days and bad days. That eventually the good days WILL outnumber the bad.

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16 Responses to Soul-Crushing Exhaustion

  1. Miriam says:

    I hope you are taking your own advice and being kind to yourself Kathleen. You WILL get through this. Just don’t forget to keep reaching out. Sending you big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope you feel better and better with each day! Sending loads of loving wishes your way! Take care dear! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope you’re okay, these dark times are transient ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. mrsgmh says:

    I’m sorry for you, Kathleen, and I’m sure being kind to yourself is exactly the right thing to do at present. Big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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