Today I am filled with anger and hatred. Anger towards, and hatred of, myself.
I hate that I feel like a failure. And I’m angry at myself for believing it.
I hate feeling like I can’t function. And I’m angry at myself for not having the energy to do anything about it.
I hate that my brain lies to me. And I am angry at myself for listening to it.
I hate feeling this way. And I’m angry that I don’t know how to fix it faster.
I have been struggling the past few days. My energy has been rock-bottom and the fact that I’m feeding myself is an accomplishment. Yesterday afternoon I did manage to go for a walk, and then I needed a nap. I have lots of things that I want to do (sew a dress, knit a couple of shawls, reorganize my storage room, clean my fridge, just to name a few), but honestly, they all just seem so overwhelming right now. And then I get frustrated with myself that such mundane things seem so big that there’s no way I can ever do them.
I feel like I’m in a holding pattern, as I wait for referrals to go through for the mental health programs I want to participate in. And of course, they’ll take time to help. Which frustrates me even more, because I want to be better NOW.