Today I Hate Myself

Today I am filled with anger and hatred. Anger towards, and hatred of, myself.

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I hate that I feel like a failure. And I’m angry at myself for believing it.

I hate feeling like I can’t function. And I’m angry at myself for not having the energy to do anything about it.

I hate that my brain lies to me. And I am angry at myself for listening to it.

I hate feeling this way. And I’m angry that I don’t know how to fix it faster.

I have been struggling the past few days. My energy has been rock-bottom and the fact that I’m feeding myself is an accomplishment. Yesterday afternoon I did manage to go for a walk, and then I needed a nap. I have lots of things that I want to do (sew a dress, knit a couple of shawls, reorganize my storage room, clean my fridge, just to name a few), but honestly, they all just seem so overwhelming right now. And then I get frustrated with myself that such mundane things seem so big that there’s no way I can ever do them.

I feel like I’m in a holding pattern, as I wait for referrals to go through for the mental health programs I want to participate in. And of course, they’ll take time to help. Which frustrates me even more, because I want to be better NOW.

 

 

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7 Responses to Today I Hate Myself

  1. Miriam says:

    I hope that you’re feeling a bit better today Kathleen. That retail therapy sounds like it might have helped. Anything to push forward Be kind to yourself ok 😊❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ann Coleman says:

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling! I hope that you are able to get into the programs soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m not sure if this helps, but as I read this I could hear you fighting back. Punching that ugly depression in the face. And even though you’re tired and the punching seems ineffective, it’s your desire to be well that is worthy of praise.
    So don’t lose hope and don’t give up. Even when you don’t love yourself, you’re still lovable. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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