I have started working with a Case Manager through the county’s mental health services unit. Today we came up with a plan to help me accomplish my goal of getting out of my apartment with no purpose attached. I mean, I’m now able to leave if I have a specific errand to run (go to the bank, the library, pharmacy, grocery store, etc.) but I still struggle with simply going out for a walk. And I want to be able to get out for non-specific reasons.
So for the next 2 weeks my plan is this: on Sundays, my goal is to go for a walk. And if I feel that I need a “purpose” of sorts, then I am to either plan out and walk a potential running route (since I do want to return to running in the near future), pick a store I haven’t been to here in town and go window shopping, or if I absolutely MUST attach an actual errand to it, then I am to find a longer way to get to where I need to go.
I started today. After my appointment, I needed to go pick up a few things, but instead of walking straight to the store, I wandered around a bit first. I walked through the residential area the mental health offices are in, then made my way to a street that would eventually lead me back downtown. I ended up walking almost 3km out of my way just to go to Giant Tiger.
I will confess to feeling a bit anxious at first. Part of my brain was screaming at me to go get my things and go home. Where I could hide and nobody could see me. But the truth is, I don’t WANT to be hiding. I don’t WANT to be invisible. I WANT to be ME again. And I’m slowly getting there.