Two Weeks

Two weeks since my last post. Two weeks ago I was so proud of myself. Two weeks can make such a difference.

I haven’t posted in two weeks because I’ve been slipping. And all I want to do is hide. I want to hide that I’m struggling. I want to hide that I’m slipping. I want to hide that I want to just disappear.

Two weeks ago I got approved to participate in the group outreach program. And I have not gone once. I have every intention of going. Then Wednesday rolls around. And I just don’t care. I feel like it doesn’t matter whether I go. Because I’ll still be invisible. Last Thursday I spent the ENTIRE day in bed. For no other reason than I just didn’t give a flying f*ck.

I saw my GP last week and mentioned this to him. But he’s not a specialist. And he can only do so much. So this week, when I see my Case Manager, I’m going to ask her to refer me to the Mental Health Unit’s psychiatrist. Because something has to change. I can’t keep going like this.

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11 Responses to Two Weeks

  1. I am not aware of all your issues. But it seems you have not been seeing a psychiatrist !!!
    A GP cannot counsel or give therapy. If you are already not going to a psychiatrist you do need to go and also for counselling and psychotherapy. I still go to the psychiatrist, once in a while to keep myself in check or if I get the need to have some guidance, as when I speak he knows how my mind is working and give advice or his view point. They are able to look at things in completely different way and for any mental issues they are very important. Just relax and do what you like to do. Don’t do things that does not interest you. At the same time you need to make an effort to find something that excites you and start slowly going along that to energise you. Best of Luck ā¤

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    • I have held off replying to this comment because I wanted to be calm and level-headed. Because you’re right, you don’t know all my issues and obstacles.

      1. No, I have not been seeing a psychiatrist. Yes, while most of them ARE covered by my provincial health care plan, getting to see one is quite a wait. Add to that the fact that I live in a small town, where as far as I have found, there is ONE, it means I have to wait a LONG TIME.

      2. Psychologists are NOT covered by my province’s health care plan and since I’m not working and do not have any sort of employer health insurance and I can’t afford to pay for that. Never mind the fact that my monthly income is $706 Canadian and my monthly rent is $705 Canadian. Where am I going to come up with $150+/session with a psychologist for therapy?

      3. I am currently working with a Case Worker through the county’s mental health unit. She is helping me by giving me coping techniques to working through the anxiety. She’s also really helped me see that even the baby steps I’m taking are an improvement. However, I know that there will probably be small setbacks. But compared to where I was back in the winter, I will take where I am today.

      4. My GP is very aware of what I’m dealing with. And since I’ve been his patient for 22 years, I TRUST HIM. Trying to build a rapport with a new doctor is very anxiety and stress inducing. I don’t need that right now.

      5. I write in this blog to share what I’m going through. As someone who has dealt with mental health issues for a long time, a very important lesson I’ve learned is that you don’t dismiss or minimize what someone else is going through. You need to know that even asking for help through the county’s mental health unit was very hard for me.But I did it. And I’m making use of the resources that are available to me, within my restrictions of affordable (read: FREE) and accessible (because I don’t drive).

      6. As for “making an effort”, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And some days it is more than I can handle.

      But I am doing the BEST I CAN. And yes, I know this blog is public. But judging me, and dismissing what I have managed to accomplish, DOES NOT HELP ME AT ALL.

      Liked by 1 person

      • First of all if you feel I have judged you, “I HAVE NOT” If the way I have written made you to feel so, “I am very sorry as I never intended to do so” ā¤
        To answer to your reply:
        1. There are many issues none of see as we read only what is written, this is why I wrote, "I don't know all your issues ~ that itself is a way of saying, "Excuse me if I am wrong"
        2. I was completely unaware where you stayed and seeing a psychiatrist is so expensive and a long wait. I was under the impression being in Canada a developed country, that you had very good health care, (as I have so many friends and family living in Canada)
        I get the feeling you got offended !!! How am I to know about your income and the expenditure ?
        Let me tell you why "I am so concerned",
        *** When I got the first break down back in Sri Lanka – although I went to psychiatrists, "No one told me what was going on" Although so many around me were educated, even with doctors no one told me the word depression, mood disorder or Bipolar. I was and am a very strong person who mainly looked after my family single handed, and "I just didn't know what was going wrong with me" !!!
        It was after 10 years when I came to Australia and had to fill up forms that when I asked I was told to put in mood disorder. There and then I went and bought a book about Bipolar and, "First time in 10 years I began to see what was wrong with me !!!
        Why did no one tell me anything. No one in my family asked the doctor or the psychiatrist what is wrong with me, in spite of them wanting to talk with a family member. "I completely wasted 10 long years of my precious life"
        3. I did not mention changing the GP. A GP is needed to check the general health and everything else, and here to to give a referral to go to the psychiatrist. I only mentioned that, "A counselor, psychotherapist and a psychiatrist go beyond a GP.
        ***This is because of my experiences with many of them through the 15 years ***
        4. I never minimized your efforts ~ on the contrary this is why I took all that effort to write to you, "What I thought could help you"
        I have been writing in my group and talking to many, and what most of them used to tell was the last thing to tell was to do a hobby. Actually even I didn't understand this as when I was depressed even growing a plant was a major effort. I could not even keep my head up for a long time !!!
        The summary:
        *** Once I found the right psychiatrist, I was able to overcome depression after almost 15 years. I never thought I would hear the word, "Normal in my life" I decided to dedicate myself to work towards helping others. That is why I am doing the Diploma also to gain more knowledge to help more. I have lot of faith in prayers and daily I pray for guidance, "To think, say and do the correct thing for the good of all"
        Somehow something has not gone quite correct as it seems you have got offended. I never meant to dismiss your efforts, minimize or judge you at all. I only meant the Best for you from my way of thinking. Again I apologize for any misunderstanding"
        This is life. Sometimes good intentions can go wrong also and that also is a lesson. I wish and pray all goes well with you. God Bless šŸ™‚ ā¤

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  2. Remember sometimes just breath. Exhale and inhale-and shake it off-like they use to have us do in kindergarten. Stand up and just shake a bit, close your eyes and let as much of it fall away as it will.
    Those times they would have the class sit on the magic carpet in a circle. But you’ll get through this. Your blog has inspired and gave me an extra ‘umph’ on those days I dont want to get out the bed and give a flying f&ck.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope you feel better, Kathleen ā¤ Thinking of you.

    It okay not not be okay, it's apart of being human.

    Baby steps, baby steps – thats all it takes (easier said than done, I know)

    Liked by 2 people

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