Sometimes I feel the need to look back and reflect. To see how far I’ve come. To remind myself that even when I feel like I’m at my lowest, there is always hope. And light. And life.
Two years ago, I was in the midst of a MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODE. So major in fact, that I had barely left my apartment in 3 months. So major that I had no idea how to cope with it and I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up again.
Two years ago I was alone, struggling to live. I felt worthless, helpless, hopeless. I felt like nobody would miss me if I was gone. I felt invisible. So I stayed in my apartment and hid. I fought panic and doubt and self-hate every single day. And for almost 6 months, panic and doubt and self-hate won. But I kept clawing back, fighting them. Determined that one day I was going to win. That I would return to myself again.
Here I am two years later and I honestly don’t recognize the person I was in 2017. That version of Kathleen was an impostor. A poor, sad impersonation of myself. Today I can say that I am so glad I didn’t let that version stick around. I didn’t let the panic and doubt and self-hate win. My true self won.